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Thursday, December 22, 2005
058: dizzy pre-sleep disposition
it's almost the end of the year, and i know a lot of things are in store for me next year.
as always, many things happened this year - dreams have been built and shattered, hearts loved and broken, faith dissolved and strengthened, friends found and lost. perhaps i would make a separate detailed account of what transpired this year, but right now,
let me just tell you,
my beloved blogmates,
that my heart is ready to soar again.(whatever that means)
no i'm not in a giddygiddy stage,it's just that i now feel i'm ready again to go where my feet+heart would lead me, where the gentle Wind would guide me. yes i still have the dreams i hold dear for years. but sus, Lord, take me where You want to take me.
gulp.
goodnight everyone!
Posted at 12:20 pm by wanderingpanda
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
dahil wala akong dalang camera para patigilin ang oras.
Posted at 02:11 am by wanderingpanda
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Thursday, November 24, 2005
santa's jazz is 1 year old now! :)
i've been having sleepless nights again lately, perhaps due to my graveyard work shifts. and here in our home we were able to to come up with a funny solution and that solution came in bottles - beer. we usually have a couple of them stacked in our ref (frigidaire! hehe).
i've been sleeping on and off last night until finally i went down around 2am, grabbed a bottle, took it down in one straight gulp (the only way i get drowsy with one bottle) and went online. i joked around with some of my insomniac friends - exaggerating heartaches, recounting our latest funny experiences, angsts etc etc. around 2:30 am, the groggy feeling sets in. finally.
then the cellphone beeps.
final script sent to ur email.
do voice guide ASAP.
D client wants a miracle,
a rough cut by friday (2day)
evening. (edited)
i swear, i've never been in that panicky-laughing state by myself before. what a rush. charis, tops, nani,julie, ackey, you are my witnesses :)
====
a moment of silence for the incidents that happened earlier.
sometimes i suddenly find myself in the middle of them all, the confusion, the anxiety, the pain, the questions - and i dont even remember taking those steps to where i am now.
weird, i never saw that coming. it was like walking on calm waters, and just when you've reached the middle and realized how everything around you is beautifully serene, the very same waters that you've walked on suddenly engulfs you, slamming hard on every part of your body, eating you away, eating your heart away.
yes perhaps i've misinterpreted the things for what they really are; i relied too much on other people's naivete or my own.i've read too much books, seen too much movies, i really dont know now. as much as i would like to press on that it was other people's fault, that they've been careless with hearts, i'm beginning to feel that it was me all along - i've been careless with my own.
answers, i really need them. answers to questions i cant even begin to ask.
if thing like these happened a year ago, i would've just flown away. but now i cant even find my plastic wings.
fly away heart, fly away.
dibuho ni wawel
minsan pinapangarap ko pa ring makaguhit uli ng mga larawang tulad nito,
ngunit nitong mga nakaraang buwan, sobrang tumigil nang magsalita ng
mga daliri ko. pero tuloy pa rin ako sa pagpiga at pagpihit sa kanila,
at malamang darating din ang araw na mapapagalaw ko na rin sila,
at pati na rin sila mismong mga iginuhit ko.
gusto ko gumawa ng animation, in short.
Posted at 01:26 pm by wanderingpanda
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Friday, November 11, 2005
055: silent planet update
Way back when we first moved here in Novaliches, we were greeted by a kind couple; they offered my parents coffee and some potpot crackers (i can't remember the exact name, one of those curly MSG snacks) for us then children.
They were already old that time, but still they managed to go to the market on sunday mornings both on their bikes.
Two years ago the old lady died, leaving the old man alone on his sunday mornings.
Everytime i see him on his favorite seat, surrounded by the numerous cats he and his wife raised as children, i know he misses her, and perhaps all these mornings and afternoons he spend there by the street, he spends with memories of her.
sigh, such are love stories that happen silently.
===
looking back, diving in.
Yes when it comes to the supposed _ove word,i've done a lot of things on impulse and i now realize that they cost me much. i can say the usual i've-learned-a-lot-and-i've-matured-a-lot -since-those-periods sentence over and over and over again, but i know deep inside i'm still the same soft-centered creature that can easily crumble to pieces by the things i do.
If only we can be that protective of ourselves - of the things we say, the things we do, the people we place our hearts upon, the people we look up to, open ourselves to - perhaps life would be the sunshiny one we all talk about. Yes i can honestly say that those dark packets/chapters where we start our days with shattered hearts do pass; but if i'm given the choice i really would like to be spared of them.
Lord, i don't want to mess up the next time i get to give myself away.
===
update update: here's what's currently happening in my universe
my sister's getting married next week
i've started working in a tv station and goodness, how i hate the way certain work habits are sooo customized with some employees and how things boil down to money money money. but i will endure, at least until i get to fund my mini-animation project and until my younger brother graduates. ang hirap magpa-aral ng kolehiyo!
Pitikbulag's office is now in color! heheh.i suddenly miss all of PB. tanggapin nyo pa rin ako ha. uy may mga naiisip pa akong stories, kwento ko sa inyo pagpunta ko diyan uli. uy bear with me pls.
i've met a lot of new people and i'm enjoying their company. highschool! heheh.
kinalmot na naman ako ng pusa namin sa balikat.
last DVD i've watched: david duchovny's house of D. a bit cheesy and predictable, but man, anything with animation or the attempt of it is beautiful for me.
next DVD in line: the ballad of jack and rose.
goal for the next month: continue my violin lessons, napatid ung string kasi tapos hindi ko na mabilan dati wala na kong pera.
current book i'm reading: the bone people, & lewis' mere christianity. hindi ko matapos tapos!
i miss a lot of things. and people.
Posted at 09:15 am by wanderingpanda
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
054:i'll wait at the gates
there's this old man near the gate of our village that sleeps inside a PUJ. I've heard that he has no work except for tending the plants on the village gate in exchange for 3 meals a day. at night when the jeep returns, he then retires to his 'room'.
around 10p tonight on my way home, there is no jeep, and he sits there in front of the gate, by the gutter, half asleep.
===
i'm finally reading C S Lewis' mere christianity book.
sometimes i'm really saddened by the fact that people will judge you once they learn that you are a christian. hah, this is not some preachy rant, i hate that too. it's just that no matter how hard you try to show them that you have substance, you have a whole range of experience enough to categorize you as one of them normal human beings, you'll still be well, just there by the corner.
funny thing is, i dont think people will poke at your faith if you're a muslim or buddhist. but tell them you're a christian and they'll come up with a hundred jokes about you. sad world!
===
i've started working with another group now, and i must admit things are difficult. adjusting to expectations, adjusting to work attitudes and personal preferences. but things will work out.
the next months will change me, i think. one of us in the family is leaving, and i'll be shouldering the scary things now. just when i finally figured out how to start working around my drawings without sacrificing work.
seasons, seasons. perhaps, just like trees and tv series, we change a bit every season. we find, lose, and find ourselves all over again. losing ourselves to love, work, and faith gets more painful and painful. but upon finding perhaps we're becoming more more beautiful.
the saying is true, that joy is found real when you can still enjoy sitting under the tree doing nothing. when you can still feel happiness, apart from people who affirm you or things you can do or things you can afford, you're doing fine i think.
Posted at 10:14 pm by wanderingpanda
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Saturday, October 08, 2005
there i was again, walking down an unfamiliar empty street at night. i think i've made this a habit whenever i do an all-nighter down south,to visit the nearest 7-11 or mini-stop during wee hours.
i'd get the largest slurpee and empty it while staring at the well-lit but empty street through glass walls.
orange streets, mirror roads from night sky tears. life lessons from conversations of security guards.
i've always been there, slaving myself out on work, denying myself of sleep, getting paid, going home, and telling myself that this is not me, this is not my style, this is what's within my reach but not what i'm reaching for. perhaps i'm hungry for something else, something where i can carve my self on, not what i've learned, not what i can do.
i'm going to sign myself up for work this month, a regular one, with few days off a week. i'm praying that with a steady income a month enough to silence the bills, i might start the long postponed and very typical film-grad juvenile dream of finding myself and doing what i want to do.
Posted at 09:50 am by wanderingpanda
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
ok so i'm riding the bandwagon, but i do hope my theory will be debunked by the 100th day:
winner will be one of those conventionally attractive housemates (i.e. tisoy/tisay, macho/sexy)
i have to admit i was a bit disappointed when i learned that the contestants were from a certain age group only; it would have been great if there were housemates representing different age groups, to complete the whole 'totoong buhay' motif.
and oh i'm bothered by the possibility that certain habits/lifestyles will be encouraged by the show (ie sexual promiscuity, stereotyping,etc) just by merely exploring the characters.i have this wacko theory that whatever you present on tv, on a regular (daily) basis will be accepted as normal/default in society so long as no character/entity within the same show/program counters it.
e.g.
as suggested by various commercials, all women should have a fair skin and should wear their hair long and straight. any deviations from these requirements mean you should stay in the BEFORE area (ie, perpetually stay in the shadows or forever be unnoticed). repeat these commercials everyday, make a song out of them, create a dance craze.yeah.
a teleserye ng totoong buhay idea of a show is a good one. yes, we all long to see our lives/experiences reflected on tv/bigscreen; we get tired of fantasies. but we dont just watch tv. we learn from it.
the morpheus question still stands:
what is real?
what IS?
what SHOULD BE?
my countrymen, let us make our heroes proud of us.
(clap,clap,clap)
tak tak tak back to work.
Posted at 12:32 pm by wanderingpanda
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Sunday, August 21, 2005
my younger brother got his appendix removed the other day.
our home's empty most of the time these days, save for that bloated creature in front of the pc working his butt out finishing his 'last few' projects before his self-imposed vacation.
'last few', because now that my brother's appendectomy happened, i think my vacation has to be moved to a later date. both my parents are not working anymore, and whatever money we bleed out everyday, they come from what little money they have saved and the monthly contributions my sister and i give(i have to admit mine is modest).
yes it's sad, considering the fact that i'm nearing the creative burnout again, and it's reflecting on my work already - slow progress, bland compositions, and some unchecked flaws on the videos i'm finishing. i think i am in desperate need to fly away, refocus myself, pray, and read books.
well yes of course it's not mainly my creative burnout that's calling for a break, there are some other things that i feel i need to pray-think-focus about. it's just that in going about my everyday life and moving on, there are certain important things that are passing me by and i'm either too busy or too tired to event think about them.
===
i had a chance to catch up with a good friend the other day, and we've talked about how as we grow up we've come to accept certain things in life and our chosen career.
for one, i've accepted the fact that i won't become a director in the next ten years or so. probably never. such idea would've blown me away a year ago, but now things have changed. no, my heart has not changed :) i still keep a pocketful of stories or ideas im ready to share with the next person i'm going to spend some time with. i still watch the movies i want to see inside my head (while washing the dishes). but i'm seeing the bigger picture now, and now i know better.not the whole picture of course, but perhaps i've made some steps away from it all, and in doing so i now understand some new things.
it is never a race. well yes,that's the closest metaphor for the market of artists/talents, wherein once you stop developing your craft, you get left behind. but now i know that there is no such thing as a race to be in that position, to be in charge of it all. i do not need to compare myself with others.
i'm slowly finding beauty in my work(or perhaps He is merely slowly revealing them to me). it's just doing the right projects at the right time.
ahh, whatever. back to work.
(ohh btw btw this is our first ever entire family portrait)
Posted at 11:10 am by wanderingpanda
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Sunday, August 14, 2005
for the past two weeks we adopted a newly wed couple. they both slept in the masters' bedroom, and the supposed masters slept in my room. i stayed here in the sala.
my mom and dad were new to sleeping on a bed half the size of their own; during breakfast both claimed that the other one snored louder. my secret verdict is that they're both guilty.
===
maybe in our lifetime we do form bonds with some special people, that no matter what happens between the two of you, you'll always share each other's pain and joy. i recently experienced this in an unexpected way. there's this unexplainable silent little part of you dancing with joy upon knowing that she's free and learning to laugh again, exploring her world, exploring her heart.
hmm maybe it's about time i reclaim my movie buddy.
===
tapos na ang oh feel young! sa abs cbn at sad to say wala akong nakumbinsing manood nun, maliban na lang kay raul na messenger nina misha sa blast. last 2 episodes lang yung napanood niya.
pag yumaman na ako, bibili ako ng dibidi boxed set niyan sa mcs tapos magpapadeliver ako ng maraming maraming yellow cab pizza na walang shrimp kasi allergic ako dun tapos mag-aaya ako ng mga kaibigan kong mag oh feel young! marathon tapos tapos sa umpisa kakain lang sila ng kakain pero siguro pagdating sa episode 7 tumatawa at umiiyak na rin sila kasama ko tapos bibiruin ko kunwari na tama na next time na lang uli, tapos magmamakaawa silang tapusin na namin yun kasi 16 episodes lang talaga siya lahat e tapos pakipot pa ako kunwari tapos sasabihin ko sige na nga ituloy na natin, tapos uuwi sila lahat ng masaya at busog at iniisip na buti na lang pinanood kami ni wawel ng oh feel young! tama tama ganun ang gagawin ko.
sigh, ang hirap talaga ng mababaw ang kaligayahan. trabaho na nga ako uli.
Posted at 01:05 pm by wanderingpanda
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Saturday, August 06, 2005
I must admit, blank walls still carry faces.
After months of burying myself with work, hoping to focus on improving myself and moving on, i still find myself tinkering with memories and faces and conversations i thought have all been ripped off in my book.
I guess i'll have to face one sad chapter soon, but i know we both need this to grow up.
Still, certain smiles and pockets of laughter are just around the corner.
sigh. xs: dont you just loove vague talks?
===
i miss my slr camera :(
Posted at 01:26 am by wanderingpanda
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