Tonight we watched danny cannon's Goal! on the bigscreen. well of course it was an unplanned movie date, with me hitching on the last minute after learning that one of my friends brought her mtrcb pass (which means free entrance for another companion = me). 

just like any other sports film, here you'll see life and all its struggles romanticized and in the form of a game - finals, tied scores, screaming/cheering audience, sweat on the forehead, slo mo, silence - kick, score, triumph, end credits. i enjoyed it by the way.

but it's a sad truth that in real life there are no audiences.  people everywhere fight their battles in the quiet corners of their rooms, inside their cubicles during office hours, or at dawn in their secret places crying their hearts out to God. sometimes i cant help but wish that i'm that kind of person, the basketball player, the comic, the all out funny person everybody would love to be with or would love to watch. no dull moments.

but then again as one friend told me, at least i'll know who to treasure - those that  comfortably sit beside me even as i remain silent, even if i tell my weirdest ideas or do the dumbest things. nothing spectacular.

===

too nice. of all the words that people would use to describe me, these two hurt the most. whenever i meet these two, i feel that doors have been shut down, and people have stopped their efforts to know me more; once again i feel that i am placed in that sad box labeled 'harmless christian'. of course i know that i'm exaggerating things. but then again perhaps i'm not. i dont know why but something inside me is crushed each time i hear people assessing me as such. it is as if every ideal i hold, each dream i long to reach, the person i try to become, everything i'm praying for - suddenly they all amount to nothing for that person. or perhaps that person never really saw through me; he/she never got past that superficial layer of everyday cheerfulness and never saw the real me -  the one that cries, that laughs,  that gets angry, frustrated,lonely,  the one that loves.  and that is a sadder truth.

will you get past this stage? have you closed doors? do you really see me?

we'll see where my heart will take me.